Steven Wright
 

Went to see Steven Wright for the first time tonight. I brought a notepad so I could remember as many zingers as possible, here's a handful:

I like to ice skate on the other side of the ice.

I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.

I bought an invisible fence for my invisible dogs.

I heard that practice makes perfect. Then I heard that nobody's perfect, so I stopped practicing.

I went to a hotel that had a pool on the 23rd floor. That was one deep pool.

I have a CD burner, it's called my fireplace.

I went to a toy store and asked them if they had a toy train schedule.

I went for a drive with a friend of mine who is a pilot. He waited 45 minutes to pull out of his driveway.

I got pulled over for speeding. The cop asked me "Why are you going so fast?" I said "Cause I have my foot to the floor".

Have you ever seen an Ouija board of directors?

I knew a guy who had a summer home and a winter home on the same street. He didn't like to travel.

I went to a gas station and they had a sign that said "help wanted" and another sign that said "self service". So I went in, hired myself, made myself the manager, took all the money and left.

I called an airline to book a flight and they asked me how many people I would be flying with. I said "I don't know, it's your plane."

A friend of mine had a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

I saw a guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven". So I ran him over. He probably made it, he seemed like a nice guy.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept good. I told her no, I made a lot of mistakes.

Last time I was at a Casino I got into a heated argument with the guy at the roulette table over what constitutes an odd number.

They say life is short. It's also not too wide either.

I went to the store and asked if they had anything I could use to put under my coasters.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I wanted to buy a map, but I can't find one that's not an aerial view.

lol nice